why do I even wonder?

OK, I am starting to question ordering clothes and stuff from the more "upscale" online merchants even though my reasons are *pure* (I am often short on time to go shopping and I want quality that last through 3 hand-me-downs, LOL!)

Yesterday I got an offer in the mail for a new parenting magazine. The header states, "It's nothing but the best for your little one, and you'll find it in (publication name) - the new magazine created for the world's most sophisticated parents." and the first sentence of the "Dear Parent" letter says, "You enjoy the best in life for yourself, and you want the same for your children."

UGH!

But why do I have a latent pull toward *wanting* to go there?

Feeling better, thinking it through...

Well, my post last night was very real, but after I spent some time pondering what was really bothering me, I found more questions at the heart of it for which I am not sure I know the answer...God's answer at least.

Does it matter how we serve God? Can we do something outside our gifts and talents and still authentically pass the message to others about striving to be who God made us to be? Is it ok to do "whatever" as long as we do it with enthusiasm? What role do leaders (this applies inside and outside the church I believe) have in helping people say "no" (or "later") to things which the leader observes the person is apparently not gifted/skilled/trained to do? I was very excited by the way Andy Stanley worked through it in his book, "The Next Generation Leader". He expressed the idea that to be able to serve God the way God gifted him to do, he needed to find the 20% of all his tasks that most aligned with his gifts and talents and spend 80% of his time on them. Andy also referenced to John Maxwell's thesis that to lead a person, you must be "ahead" of them on the leadership learning curve in order to facilitate helping someone grow in their area of calling. How should this be handled in the local church when *most* people are meaning good, and serving for at least one apprpriate reason (such as stated in studies like Network: 1. The right person, 2. The right place, 3. the right reason)?

My thoughts? I believe these "details" matter to God and we potentially compromise our autheticity when we don't first look to God and say "Is this what you have made me to do? Is this the place/time you want me to do it? And finally, is my heart totally in tune with you God?

Do we all step outside these steps? I believe so. Have I done it? Yes. Is this a conflict with our communion with God? maybe.

What do you think?

I can't do it.

And I am feeling frustrated. It's the music thing again. No matter how hard I try it feels like I have had my heart shut down. Roy is being patient, had his guitar out most of the day, got out the music book when the girls were heading to bed...was asking me to just do one song. But, I can't and I feel awful. Saturday nights (going to church) take all my joy away. Roy wonders why I go at all. I do it for the girls. There is nothing wrong with what they are being taught, and they get to have friends, but Roy was asking me to tell him 3 things that are right, and all I can do is say what's not wrong. I am so disappointed. When we moved here I thought I had found a church that was just like what I had imagined one could be...at one point I thought I was on a path God planned for ministry for me...but now I feel only cold. When was the last time I felt myself freed to worship at church...or even through song...I keep trying...really...so long I can't remember:( cold.

Even more important than today's "thrills"

I thank God for His movement in providing not only some new friends to break bread and fellowship with, but ones who are of the same heart for the emerging church. May God use our friendship to not only support one another, but also sharpen one another.

Singing His praises today.

Second thrill of my day

The second thrill I had today was that after sending out an e-mail to local church and ministry leaders whose information I had been able to find through the phone book and newspaper (felt like a blind date sending it, LOL), I got a response back right away from a campus ministry leader who said, "I'm in, let me know when." I am very excited, but also fighting the fear of actually being successful. Would everyone please pray with me for God to get all the glory. That whatever comes of this He would use me as His instrument that His will would be done.

The first thrill of my day!

Well, I was working on a contact list for the emergent discussion group I am starting and while visiting one local church's site I came upon news I had missed (you all probably already knew)...Chris Tomlin is gonna be in Fayetteville with his Indescribable tour. Got to work out the logistics for babysitting still, but Roy said, "buy tickets." I did, so we are GOING!! Yea!!

I went poking around again to revisit how close my most favorite group Casting Crowns was gonna be and I see in May they will be in Ft Smith. I couldn't do the Tulsa thing...but, hummm, maybe seeing them in May could be a birthday gift to myself;)

Sandy

Sideswiped!

That's how I feel tonight. No, I was not in a car wreck, just a crash of words. I am trying SO hard to explain myself with this vision/passion/calling for sharing in ways that encourage the north american church to revisit the original mission of the church.

Today I had an e-mail discussion with a friend who is a leader...a friend who I thought knew me and believed in me. However, he used words to question my whole calling. I am thinking he maybe is like so many leaders I have spoken with before and does not hear what I am really saying...perhaps (as my husband believes) people are not really open to the possibility that God might use me...a simple stay at home mom to do something challenging...difficult in His name. I talked at length with a friend about some of the statements that were made and she believes he *must* have misunderstood me.

I admit it...God made me odd. I have tried to be all that He calls me to be...even though it would be nice to just skip it all. A friend at our church in Michigan once counseled me when I was at a similar place (feeling like being a "Jonah" would be better)..."it's pretty slimy in the belly of that fish" Maybe I will continue to not go there.

A Repeating Theme

OK...guess I need to put this thought into words. All these things that I *see* are the very things that Roy has been telling me I need to write down.

Well, a number of years ago Roy and I felt some tension in our marriage...the usual type (I think)...the type that comes of discovering the deeper and deeper truths of merging two lives. As with many, there was outside pressures intruding, but what it did was to wash the covering off a reality. There was something we had *ignored* about how we did life together. Something we left on the back burner for years and year (about 15 of them!) It really is not such a big deal now what it was even all about because it is the LESSON that we gained out of it, one that has become a theme in the vision that the Holy Spirit has laid with me.

What we learned I will say straight up is not a unique thing that I wisely thought up. In fact we actually found it originally as we spent sometime in The 5 Love Languages book. The reality that in relational situations no matter how well intended we are, if the other person does not understand our intent, we will fail in communicating our message to them.

I feel this truth very strongly when working with kids, a true burden I feel especially when leading other people's kids (since I may not have enough time with them to easily know their *language*.) I pray God will give me the words and the wisdom I need.

Almost more overwhelming when I think about this, is the HUGE burden I feel to communuicate this truth to leaders in churches. The biggest difficulty to overcome I have found is when leaders are basically doing it "right" but because they are only speaking in the language THEY know and it is only reaching those who come around them who "happen" to speak the same language. Sometimes those who speak a *dialect* of the leaders *language* are influenced and much excitement ensues as these folks learn. I believe *language* is sometimes a barrier when I hope to talk with these leaders. They see who I appear to be and hear only the *language* they expect.

I find this a great discouragement. My discouragement comes not from my personal disappointment, but from the fact that I suspect that these leaders and churches (who I have great respect for) really WANT to speak these other *languages* but they really have not yet realized so many were needing them to translate.

I am hoping some of my friends who are leaders will chime in and share some thoughts.

I DO think too much!

Ok...Ness pointed out a truth (my skeleton in the closet, lol.) Actually the thinking too much Ness mentioned I take as a compliment! It's some of the other thinking that I sometimes do too much I am not real comfortable with...

Sometimes I think about stuff like "why couldn't God have made me a *normal* person" In my heart I know I don't really mean it, but sometimes I *wish* I could be more selfish. Today as I headed into the bathroom I looked at the shower and felt SO tired of remembering how I have the re-grout job waiting for me. I am tired of looking at plastic sheeting duct taped over the tiles. I felt this discouragement (satan?) that I feel compelled to give money to do things like help get laptops for Asian missionaries rather than spend money on stuff for me/us.

Now, before anyone calls me a whiner, I do not feel we are deprived...not in the least...and I do not mind working hard (anyone who knws me knows I am not a slacker!) In fact, if I could do one thing to change this whole thought process, I would help others to think the same. I think then I would feel less wierd.

The New Books I Am Reading

Well, since I have some cool new friends who like to read and comment on the kind of books I like I guess I will share what I started into last night.

Actually, I got several new books for my shelf back in early December when I was online ordering Adventures in Odyessy stuff for our girls for Christmas. Then as my spirits were sagging lower than ever after some interactions with church leaders, I just sat the books (except for Brian McLaren's, More Ready Than You Realize) on the shelf and walked away from them...till now.

Besides the Brian McLaren one, the books I got are: Church After Christendom by Stuart Murray, No Perfect People Allowed by John Burke, Missional Church: A Vision For The Sending of The Church in North America by Darrell L. Guder, and Shaped By God's Heart: The Passion and Practices of Missional Churches by Milfred Minatrea.

Last night I started mostly into the John Burke one. By the title I was not sure if I was going to like it...I thought perhaps it was more about creating the style for *attracting* the culture (without the guts to flesh it out), but within the first 20-some pages I found out that John is a man after my own heart! He poses the question, "How do we become the kinds of attractive Christ-followers who draw spiritual seakers into the family of God like Jesus did?"

Later he reminds us that the model was set when God: "...dove right into the sewer of life Himself in the body of Jesus." Saying we (believers) must be, "Christ's body re-presented" he challenges: "This must be the first priority for leadership in the church in a post-Christian world: making the invisable body visable."

I think Burke got me most with the following statement as he was looking at the way Paul did things vs. how modern north American churches are: " Those of us currently leading in churches need to prayerfully consider this: Are re raising up a generation of leaders ready to lay down their comfortable lives to dive into the muck of cultural America? Or are we just playing church--developing spiritual dependants who consume the goods off whichever church shelf will "feed me," or "puff me up with more knowledge," or even "feel postmodern"? A few lines down he states: " No longer can we idly sit by, bemoaning change and wishing to turn the clock back to nostalgic days gone by."

*sighs* Do any of you feel as I do? Sadly knowing this is the truth, wishing the answer was easier? Once not long ago I asked Roy to "proof read" an e-mail where I was sharing these type sentiments with a church leader we are connected to and as he agreed with my thoughts, Roy shared his thoughts..."too hard."

Thanks Jesus for sending me friends and giving me the opportunity to talak about these things with people seeking you heart as I am.

My Music Dilemma

Well, I like to sing...I really do. And I am intrigued by my experiences so far playing bass with Roy...but I am still so unsure how to balance the place of doing music in my life. When Roy and I were being the lead worshippers for the 4th-5th graders at church...it felt so right. I cannot begin to say how much more in tune (pun intended) I felt with my worship of God through song.

There are actually two parts to my dilemma....First, Roy is SO good (of course he started playing guitar before 1970) so I will NEVER catch up to him. Since he revved up his bass playing to do worship team in MI and played two services weekly for the better part of two years, he is very good on bass too and I am awful self-consious trying to learn around him (my issue NOT anything he does.) Secondly, my life is pretty full so there are choices I must make. I am struggling in the decision to put working on music in the mix (even though it makes me feel good) because I do not see the purpose. When we were leaders, or like when we were asked to do Christmas music for a party last year...those were purposes I can understand. Roy's take is that if we keep doing it just for the enjoyment, then we would be ready if an opportunity came up to do something. I see his logic...but how do I get out of my funk? Ah ha....fire up the karaoke...Freddy Mercury anyone???

My Website is up!

OK...it's simple...and I found a couple mistakes AFTER I put it up (of course), but not too bad for my first site I think. What do you think?? Go check it out... http://www.acts-vision.org

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Sandy's ponderings

The Haiku writing Unicyclist

We stopped at the local coffeehouse/bakery today and ran into a friend of our 18 year old. He had a nifty Haiku he had written about his mom's moon flowers posted on a board near the counter. He began telling me about his Christmas gift, a unicycle.

Why, you ask? Because he knows I ride a unicycle...I learned after I got it for Christmas in 1973! Did you know that?

Sandy's ponderings

Sandy's ponderings

Cat and mouse.

Well, unlike a new friend who is doing battle with a REAL mouse, my cat and mouse is the battle of trying to sleep. I know there are others who are having even worse troubles than me with this issue and to them I send hugs and prayers. For my ponderings here I am just desiring to reflect on how much effect on my life poor sleep can have (a lot I suspect.)

Last night's cat and mouse started off by going to bed too late once again (after midnight) with the feeling I did not get done stuff I wanted to. Then the next cat and mouse event was a little "mouse" coming to climb in bed with me. Now this little mouse is really a petite 2 1/2 year old, but since she insists on sleeping sideways with her feet in my face, lol...well, kind of becomes a problem for good sleep! Then add to this list the usual conflicts of a trip to the bathroom, the puppy rattling her crate, and some who knows what else noises that waken me. Oh, and then the dreams...on nights like these I also have "busy" dreams. Dreams where I am running here and there doing this and that wierd stuff...exhausting.

The good news? Roy and I are slipping away to lunch today together (thanks mom and dad for babysitting) before the semester starts and he is teaching every day during lunch time. He has also planned we make a trip to Blue Moon Music to take his vintage Gibson in for a bit more refurbishing. I know he's got his heart set on getting a bass amp too. He wants to get me inspired to get back to playing with him...but that's another post.

Pondering my first post...

Sandy's ponderings

Well, I guess I can't put this off any longer...I am gonna start a blog. I think if I asked for input, all you wise experienced bloggers would tell me that regular posting is the best idea even if it is not a profound, lengthy post...am I right?

This week is flying by too fast, but yes I am getting a bunch done. Lesson planning for the rest of the homeschool year is almost done, all the indoor christmas decos are packed up and toted downstairs, the house got a pretty good once over cleaning (thanks Shannon!) Of course, my BIGGEST goal is to get my first website up (using a simple sitebuliding tool *blushing*.) With any luck I may actually get it finished tonight. I am SO excited to have gotten a couple cool domain names and hope you all will visit often.

Mostly, just when I felt my spirits sagging, I have a renewed enthusiasm...I have met some new friends who love what I love...the emergent church conversation. Perhaps my greatest prayer has been answered and I will soon be in community with people who don't think I am crazy.